A Diary: Her Written Thoughts - Page 1

New To F&F! - "Her Written Thoughts"

"It’s hard to be such a tough girl. To bottle things up inside to benefit others. To be a sweetheart and to understand where others are coming from and where they find happiness. This has been ongoing and when I attempted to let it go, it always seems to make its way back up to center field. I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to long for anything but happiness within myself. All too often I find joy in a new man or a new relationship. I want to be happy. Fully happy. Truthfully happy. Why is it that the good girls are always shortchanged or somehow let off gently by someone they considered so close to perfect. What to do? When you’re in a situation such as this and your back is against the ropes and the ball is no longer in your court. I want to be loved. He’s the right man. He’s the perfect man. He is my ideal man. If I am all of that for him and what he truly desires why is it that we can’t share our happiness together. With such a sour past left behind not too long ago from now, it seems as if the past has a way of reoccurring and resurfacing, no matter how hard it is pushed away. It’s like a never ending nightmare. I tried to wake up from it and it doesn’t work. I don’t know how to express myself. How to express feelings. Emotions. Anger. Joy. Sadness. I don’t know how to approach. . . .Love. I'm afraid of it. I’m afraid of using my heart for anything other than a beat. I let guys get the best of me. It’s the truth. A confession. I’m all too sweet. All too nice. I pity them. Love them. Care for them. Console them. Carry them. Spoil them. All to be hurt. Crushed. Broken. Shattered. Walked over. And forgotten. From the lowest to the highest, somehow I end alone. Solitary. Cold. Wanting. Yearning. Desiring. To be appreciated. Brought up. Admired. Catered to. I want to cry. To scream. To run away. In the rain. Wind. Lightening. Thunder. Clouds. Take me away. Far away. Away from feelings. Feeling pain. Pain and suffering. Suffering heartache. Heartache and heart break. Break my heart. Unbreak my heart. Say you hate me. Show me you love me. Whirlwind of emotion. A tempest. A hurricane. A tornado. Waves. The tide. I want to lay on the beach. Look at the sky. I’m floating. I’m flying. I’m being blown away. Depressed. Stressed. Caressed. Why doesn’t he hurt? Does he care? Is he ok. Does it matter? Do I cross his mind? Does he want me? Will he ever. Does he want her? Does he even know I hurt? Does he know I sigh? Cry. Wonder. Sit. Think. Frown. Smile. Does he have a clue? It’s not healthy to bottle things inside. A close mouth doesn’t get fed. What are you waiting for? Tomorrows not guaranteed. Live for today. Cliché. Simile. Adage. Metaphor. Phrase. Quote. Citation. In a trance. A daze. A lost for words. Words I can’t say. Can’t repeat. Can’t believe. But think. I think so much. Too much. About you. About me. About her. About him. About them, about us. I want it. Need it. Got to have it. Can I. Will I. Could I. Should I. Would I. probably not. Cant. Wont. Not. Probably. Can. Will. Now. Push & Pull. Forget it. Forgotten. I’m falling. I’ve fallen. I will fall . . . I wish you knew. If only you knew"

Sincerely yours,
Her Written Thoughts